Cutting

It is a drug.

I find myself turning to this when I feel like there is no other way out. It IS my drug.

My first experiences began in the 9th grade. Although my initial intentions were probably not the right reasons, I found it as a way to release all of my supressed feelings; anger, anxiety, hate, depression. everything negative. I never did it much though; I have no physical scars left on me from those days. I stopped after about a year.

Recently the urges have been revisiting me. Back in October was when I gave in again. It felt so good. My body immediately felt the "pain vs. pleasure" and for once in a long while, I felt...free. (for lack of a better term, my apologies.) I started light; on my ankle with small amateur-like scratches. It eventually grew to deep cuts throughout my thigh, shoulder, and "cushion" area on the side of my foot. This was all over a few short months.
With a concerned boyfriend, I promised to stop. And I did.

But tonight, I gave in again. And here's why:
I figured I was being resonable. I didn't just jump to cutting as I usually did. I let my true emotions take control first. I cried my eyes out until I couldn't breathe and felt like puking. But that still was not enough. So I took out the blade that I keep in my panty drawer. Just two little cuts to my left thigh (previously all my thigh cuts were on the right) was all it took. Just enough to break the skin and allow the blood to trickle.
I don't know it is about this, but it leaves me feeling relieved. And that's why I do it.

**I'm still not ok with the situation that occured tonight. Cutting never takes away the real pain. But for me, it gives me the same side effects as a drug might.


***Cutting is not something you should do. I recognize that it is unhealthy and something I should not be doing. For now, it takes away what I am feeling, and that's what I need...for now. I have gotten help, and do receive professional help when I feel it needed. For anyone out there struggling, know that this really is not a "cure-all" answer. If you need help, be good to yourself and get the help you deserve.

--signing off, disheartened.